How I learned to see myself clearly, and to love what I see

Ever since childhood, I’ve been deeply committed to having my creativity in my life.

As a young woman freshly graduated from art school, I created a fashion and costume business, which was my dream. I was making a living as an artist and designer, and hanging out with artists of all kinds. It was fascinating and fun, and exactly what I’d set out to do.

But I was often invalidated and insecure about myself and my creations, and had the feeling that I wasn’t good enough. I was painfully unaware of who I was, and how I could create myself. I had a difficult time being alone with myself and my own thoughts. To distract myself from dealing with my internal battles, I tried to heal those around me, even if they didn’t want me to. The ones who did want me to heal them dumped their pain in my space, and I didn’t know what to do about it. I attempted to solve the uncomfortable emotions I experienced by going faster and working too much. Guilt and responsibility stuck to me like glue.

When I entered my 30’s, I began to have a sneaking suspicion that I was missing something important. Something wasn’t working, and no matter how hard I tried or how much I controlled, I found myself going around in the same old patterns.

It was beginning to dawn on me that if I wanted to have happiness in my life, I would need to change myself, from within. I resisted this notion at first, it felt weird and I had no idea where to begin. In order to take a step into trusting my own spirit, I had to let go of the fear and judgment I’d built up around having spirit in my life.

It was time to learn how to be me.

When I decided that I could have joy, mystery, and magic back in my life, it appeared. I met the love of my life and married him, and created enough space to finally began painting after wanting to do so for many years. But some of the same old energy clung to me. I was still sitting in uncomfortable but familiar energy patterns, taking on pain from others, and feeling guilty about the state of the world and all the suffering.

So I had another step to take into my spirit. I needed a teacher. That old expression ‘when the pupil is ready the teacher appears’ is definitely true for me. Every time I’ve been ready to expand myself, a path has appeared. In this case, my first meditation teacher showed up seemingly out of the blue. I’d been walking around for a while saying things like ‘I can heal myself’ and ‘I want to learn how to ground’, though I had no idea what any of this meant, or how it would manifest.

One day I got a call from a woman who saw a show of my paintings, and wanted to make a trade with me for one of them. She told me she was a clairvoyant and psychic teacher, and had a psychic meditation class starting soon. Would I like to meet her and get a reading and take a class in exchange for my painting?

I was intrigued. What’s more, my spirit was lighting up within me, and I knew I needed to check out this opportunity. I said yes, went to meet her, liked her, and signed up for the class. I received a reading unlike any I’d ever had. I didn’t know it yet, but this reading was a hello to my spirit.

I joined a clairvoyant training, and learned how to see.

After I completed the meditation class, I wanted more. Something was turning on for me, something exciting. So I signed up for the next step - clairvoyant training. I had no idea where it would take me, but I trusted that this was where I wanted to be.

Training my psychic abilities is one of the best gifts I’ve given to myself. Everything changed quickly once I said yes to my spirit, and in this case, my spiritual ability to see energy, clairvoyance. As soon as I stepped onto this path, it felt familiar to me. I was learning an art form that I would grow to love, and to use in my life daily, to grow and create myself.

When I joined the clairvoyant training, I wasn’t interested in being a professional psychic reader or teacher. This is yet another reason why I never predict the future: if someone had told me 22 years ago that within 2 years I’d be giving clairvoyant readings and teaching classes, and getting paid for them, I would have told them they were wrong.

Non-judgment is the magical ingredient in clairvoyance.

Clairvoyant training teaches how to see from a place of non-judgment. You can’t see anything - and that includes yourself - if you expect or need it to look a certain way. Clairvoyance as an art form is deeply healing, and you can heal yourself with it.

In my training, I learned how to work from a more conscious non-judgmental place within myself. I didn’t have to be perfect, but I could work from more awareness. The greatest healing for me was learning how to see myself from non-judgment. This is a muscle to build for sure, not always an easy one. But it is possible. I learned how to trust and like myself, to become more of a friend to me.

I began realizing that when I made them consciously, my choices were better ones for me. I wasn’t stuck in that old cycle I’d been unhappily spinning around inside for so long. I could be more honest with myself, instead of feeling like I was letting myself down. I started to understand why I kept creating situations and experiences I didn't want, and I started to create more of what I did want to have.

Energy wasn't just happening to me anymore. By becoming consciously aware, I affected what happened and what I created in my life. Sometimes this awakening was disturbing and incredibly healing at the same time. When I decided to take responsibility for myself spiritually, everything changed for me.

• ©Kris Cahill
  ’Redhead Sunset’ @Karas Cahill